[He would try to look away and hide his face but he's been caught by Akira, so he just. Closes his eyes instead. If he can't see Akira then Akira can't see him, right?]
[yes that is exactly how it works. Akira smiles at that, soft and gentle and oh-so fond, and he doesn't even care that Chuuya can't see it. he just. . . leans in to press (YET ANOTHER) kiss against Chuuya's forehead because if he can't kiss someone on the mouth in this game he is AT LEAST going to give out A BILLION forehead kisses]
[Even if it's just a forehead kiss, it is not helping Chuuya's heart situation at all. Here's hoping Akira can't feel the way heat rises to his cheeks.
(He probably can both see it and feel it.)]
It's usually other people who demand that I protect them, you know.
[That might seem random, but it's actually the first step to Chuuya actually admitting to a problem he's been having for a long, long time. And his heart feels like it's going to fly right out of his chest as he starts this talk, too.]
[. . . a snort, and Akira's hands drop from Chuuya's cheeks to his shoulders. he can see that flush, and somehow sense the tension in Chuuya's words when he speaks next. his gaze narrows]
Yeah? Well, those people can kiss my ass.
[oh. he says that so bluntly]
You're not just a shield to be used by other people who are afraid of getting hurt.
[Even though his face is free now, Chuuya doesn't actually turn away. His gaze is still lower, and he's not meeting Akira's eyes, but he's not running away either. He doesn't feel like he needs to anymore. ]
It was never about being a shield, you know? It was always "go attack these people" or "break our friends out of jail" or "you should show them why you don't mess with us." Everyone I met only cared about my gravity powers, or my connection to Arahabaki. I was just...a tool, I guess. A means to an end.
[That's why he gets so defensive and lashes out. For the longest time, he's only really had himself to rely on. Even the Sheep, they would have dropped him if he became inconvenient. Which actually, they did.
...boy, that hurts to think about. ]
Dazai was the first one who treated me like a person, not a tool. When he saw people bossing me around and pushing me into using my ability for them, he got mad about it. It was the first time I ever saw him get angry about anything.
[He's not quite done with what he has to say, but he's pausing there to see Akira's reaction. This is when his gaze finally flicks upwards, so he can see what Akira is thinking. ]
[. . . it probably comes as no surprise, but Chuuya is met with a firm, stony expression, one with quiet anger creeping into its edges. his grip on his friend's shoulders tightens, fingers curled into the fabric of Chuuya's shirt. he can tell Chuuya isn't finished with his story yet, so. . . he stays quiet and at rapt attention, silently encouraging him to continue]
[. . .]
[he does want to say something about Dazai, though. he has opinions on that whole mess, after all. but whatever it is he wants to say can wait-- right now, Chuuya is the one sharing with him, and Akira won't interrupt]
[Dazai is a garbage man so those opinions are both expected and valid.
Seeing that anger in Akira does make Chuuya think he might have spoken wrong, but he reminds himself that this is Akira he's talking too. Even at Chuuya's worst, after murdering someone, Akira didn't hate him. That is enough to get him to press on.]
But you know, nobody's ever said they'd protect me before. Even with Dazai, it's always been "let's watch each other's backs". You know, a 'benefit each other' kind of thing. And I don't got a mom or a dad, or any family really, so... you're the first. You're the first one to say I'm worth protecting, even if I'm not strong.
[He's the first to place worth on Chuuya regardless of strength or weakness. ]
...Yeah. I think I'm starting to realize that now.
[It's a quiet admission, like letting out a breath he's been holding in.
He leans in, pressing his face against Akira's shoulder while he slips his arms around him in a hug. He's not really the type for intimate gestures like that, but the physical contact is reassuring after leaving his emotions bare like that.]
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shortforever) wrote2020-06-06 12:09 pm
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[UGH]
Nevermind. Let's just scrap this whole conversation. It never happened.
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But it's alright, I'll support you however I can. Purple's gonna lose at this point, so I might as well help your team win.
[In terms of points, not killing. He's still not killing anyone.]
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[offended?? for them??]
The game is pretty far from over.
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That's two less sets of tasks that can be done. Possibly three. Even if everyone on the team still does every task every week, we still won't win.
So...whatever. I'll just put my hopes and dreams into 'you don't have to kill everyone on a team to win' and go with that.
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Don't get so despondent. Heart's your team leader, right?
Do your best for them. I still refuse to accept two teams have to be completely eliminated for one to win, so don't stop believing in that, either.
But don't give up just because you're behind going into the next week.
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[>T!!!!]
It's just- it'll be an uphill battle, and I wanna protect you guys too.
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[though. . . as he says that, he hesitates because he's about to be a little sappy]
. . . but especially you.
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'Especially me'. You don't have to inflate my ego, you know. I know you care about everyone here and want everyone to get out alive.
[He doesn't sound jealous or irritable either when he says that. It's just how Akira is, he doesn't play favorites. Or so he thinks.]
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[reaches out to smoosh Chuuya's cheeks together]
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I didn't mean that in a bad way!
[That is said while still smooshed.]
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[and then he meets Chuuya's gaze very firmly]
Especially you.
1/2
Way to melt his heart, Akira.]
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...fine, okay.
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That's better.
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(He probably can both see it and feel it.)]
It's usually other people who demand that I protect them, you know.
[That might seem random, but it's actually the first step to Chuuya actually admitting to a problem he's been having for a long, long time. And his heart feels like it's going to fly right out of his chest as he starts this talk, too.]
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Yeah? Well, those people can kiss my ass.
[oh. he says that so bluntly]
You're not just a shield to be used by other people who are afraid of getting hurt.
You're worth protecting, too.
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It was never about being a shield, you know? It was always "go attack these people" or "break our friends out of jail" or "you should show them why you don't mess with us." Everyone I met only cared about my gravity powers, or my connection to Arahabaki. I was just...a tool, I guess. A means to an end.
[That's why he gets so defensive and lashes out. For the longest time, he's only really had himself to rely on. Even the Sheep, they would have dropped him if he became inconvenient. Which actually, they did.
...boy, that hurts to think about. ]
Dazai was the first one who treated me like a person, not a tool. When he saw people bossing me around and pushing me into using my ability for them, he got mad about it. It was the first time I ever saw him get angry about anything.
[He's not quite done with what he has to say, but he's pausing there to see Akira's reaction. This is when his gaze finally flicks upwards, so he can see what Akira is thinking. ]
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[. . .]
[he does want to say something about Dazai, though. he has opinions on that whole mess, after all. but whatever it is he wants to say can wait-- right now, Chuuya is the one sharing with him, and Akira won't interrupt]
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Seeing that anger in Akira does make Chuuya think he might have spoken wrong, but he reminds himself that this is Akira he's talking too. Even at Chuuya's worst, after murdering someone, Akira didn't hate him. That is enough to get him to press on.]
But you know, nobody's ever said they'd protect me before. Even with Dazai, it's always been "let's watch each other's backs". You know, a 'benefit each other' kind of thing. And I don't got a mom or a dad, or any family really, so... you're the first. You're the first one to say I'm worth protecting, even if I'm not strong.
[He's the first to place worth on Chuuya regardless of strength or weakness. ]
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Yeah. . .?
[it's sad, in a way. . . that even with Dazai and Ayabe that no one has ever told Chuuya they cared about him like this before]
You don't have to be strong to be worth protecting. [. . .] You're my friend.
[regardless of the things Chuuya has done in the past]
And real friends don't need a reason to protect each other. No mutual benefit or prize or reward.
I just want you to be safe and happy.
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[It's a quiet admission, like letting out a breath he's been holding in.
He leans in, pressing his face against Akira's shoulder while he slips his arms around him in a hug. He's not really the type for intimate gestures like that, but the physical contact is reassuring after leaving his emotions bare like that.]
Thanks. For everything.
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I don't know. . . I feel like I should be thanking you.
[for just. . . you know. being there]
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[Not that he wouldn't throw down for Akira, but it's not what they've been talking about. ]