[He feels that heartbeat, and somehow it's reassuring. Maybe because it's a reminder that Dazai is still alive. Don't mind him if he leaves his hand there for a moment.]
[ He's not going to point out that Chuuya shouldn't have had hope in the first place. Dazai didn't warm himself up to others in the House and people only helped if it served them.
But... Chuuya was different. He was much more social and grew attached to quite a few people there. So for now... he'll focus on the other part of that dream. ]
Did you want to save me that much?
[ He has the urge to turn around and to see Chuuya's expression right now. He also doesn't to break this hold.
[Sure, Dazai murdered, but it was a kitsune possessing him that made him do it. They could have gotten rid of the kitsune, they did it several times in the mansion before.]
...No. Let's stay like this for a little longer.
[He doesn't want to break the hold either, and if Dazai turns around he might be tempted to kiss him. Which feels like a bad idea, with three other men in the cabin. Someone would probably wake up. ]
If I really don't grow any taller than this, then I won't be able to do this for much longer. You'll be taller than me.
[No more big spoon for Chuuya when they get older.]
[ That's... an answer. He's not sure if he was expecting something different or not. The fall out from his execution was already unexpected, but knowing Chuuya would have felt the same even if Dazai really was responsible?
He supposes he should share some honesty in return. ]
I can't say I would have had faith in them, but if the situation was reversed... I may have done something if they failed you.
[ He was mad at Reito's death. He would have felt something if Chuuya had died... ]
I should have done something, because they failed you.
[There might be a touch of guilt to that too, but...well. Akira had made him promise. And he had to keep that promise.
But with that last bit, Chuuya will sigh and lift his arm up, temporarily freeing Dazai and lifting up the blanket to give him freedom of movement. Turn around, bandage boy, Chuuya's waiting on you.]
You couldn't. All eyes were on you by the time that offer was made. Who even knows if they could have brought anyone back at that time.
[ He saw Chuuya tell people he made a promise and the resulting fall out from that first kill.
Rolling over carefully to face Chuuya. Putting an arm across Chuuya's waist to let his fingers skim lightly against his back as he settles in closer. Sweeping his gaze across Chuuya's face to check for any signs that those were actually tears he felt. ]
[If they were tears, there's no trace of them anymore. Maybe it was just sweat on his face from waking up so suddenly.
Being able to face Dazai now, he's struck with a mix of emotions he can't quite describe. Like, dislike, frustration, worry, he doesn't even know. It's everything at once and he still doesn't have the words to explain it. Whatever's between them, it's a mess. And Chuuya is just accepting it for what it is: complicated.]
At least here we don't have to worry about monsters forcing someone to kill.
Searching his eyes for a moment or two before he closes his eyes. There will always be a shade of complicated between. The bickering, the resentment, the concern, the warmth... they all make up everything between them. He also trusts Chuuya and knows he could show him everything that's inside of him. Chuuya has seen his darkness and is still sticking around without trying to change him or mold him into something else.
He shifts in closer as he bumps their foreheads together. ]
It is better to know people are doing it of their own choice.
[ He can't fault them considering what's on the line. Even tough they still haven't found an actual killer. ]
[Because if people are choosing to kill, then that's something they can track down and stamp out. If a murderhound like Chuuya can be curbed, then anyone can.
But he's brought out of those thoughts by that next bit.]
[ His words are going to get drowned as it's his turn to share.
As he climbs the stairs to the second floor, his brain keeps circling back to the same thoughts. If only there was an off switch to his brain. He was executed just hours ago, and the thought of the warmth of the blood on his hands, and the person holding him for his final moments was still lingering there.
It figures that when he finally actually wanted to reach out to someone, that he maybe finally could call someone a friend, that it would all get taken away from him.
He knows they will all be fine. Dazai didn’t win any favors with his personality and kept trying to push them away or turn things around on them. Sure, Ayabe will feel guilty for a while over killing someone, but he will move on. Even if he swore he heard Chuuya banging on the barrier, he knew it was just tied to the one executing him. Chuuya will be glad eventually, and move on.
It’s what everyone in his life does anyways. Any time he wanted something or had people enter his life, they would always leave him in the end. Nothing was really worth holding on to or keeping hope.
It still hurts though. Even without the physical wounds, he still feels an uncomfortable twist in his chest. It’s the same pain he felt the night before when he realized there was no way for him to be saved. No one had any miracles in their pockets this time.
He finally gets to their room. He’s not expecting anyone to be there, but there is something like hope flitting inside. The room should be the same in this version of the House, right? When he opens the door, he feels the hope wither away completely. The room was devoid of his mess or Ayabe’s attempt of cleaning up. There was no chores list or rules of the house. There weren't any clothes or candles. Under the bed was empty of the craft supplies and a couple of guns he left under there.
This wasn’t his room any more, and there was nothing left to tie him to it. He walks in to grab a pillow and blanket, already knowing there is no way he could sleep in there. It was empty just as he felt on the inside. There wasn’t a place for him anywhere, and he was stuck in this quiet and suffocating limbo.
Chuuya freezes in place as he absorbs that memory, his heart tightening up as he watches and feels everything Dazai experienced. How horrible. And Dazai kept this to himself, never telling him about it?
By the end of it, Chuuya has pulled Dazai against him, wrapping him up in a firm hug.]
It's all done with, you don't have to go back to that. This is your place now.
[Not 'here' as in 'in the cabin', but 'here' as in 'with me'. Dazai doesn't have to be lonely anymore.]
[ This week was rude. He starts to open his mouth in an attempt to downplay what Chuuya just saw, but he's being pulled against him.
Ah.
He has no words at the moment. Just this overwhelming feeling that's threatening to take over. It's new, surprising, and very warm...
He thinks about how Chuuya and Reito came to mind when the golden droid was talking about the definition of home. Drawing in a slow breath before he just presses a kiss against Chuuya's mouth.
It's still hard to raise his hopes up after they have been hammered back so many times before but maybe... he can let a tiny seed of it actually grow? ]
[That's the same 'maybe' Chuuya is thinking right now too. Time and time again, he's been shut down and thrown out from anything good that has ever happened to him. And while being with Dazai isn't really the picture of a healthy relationship, he still feels like it's something worth holding onto. And maybe, just maybe, neither of them will die this time.
Is it safe to hope like that? Probably not. But as Chuuya accepts that kiss and presses his lips back against Dazai's in return, he decides to throw caution to the wind.
[ It might not be healthy, but healthy wouldn't work for him.
Sliding his hand up Chuuya's back to the back of his neck to lightly dig into his hair. Ending the kiss shortly after. As much as he wouldn't mind a make out session, it is late and Chuuya is bound to remember they aren't alone. ]
[Chuuya will blame Dazai for it in turn. Too tsundere to admit to feelings.]
As if you could get rid of me anyway.
[The hair-touching does make him sleepy though, and he finds himself settling in and getting comfortable in the bed. Sleeping comes easier, even in cramped spaces like this, ever since he started sharing the space with someone else. It was true even in the house: just having Akira nearby made sleep easier.
It's something to ponder on later. For now, he's definitely falling back asleep.]
[ Unfortunately because it's heavy topics, his own brain doesn't shut down. If anything, it tries to pinpoint when did he become important to Chuuya at the House or how did it even end up like this.
He'll tuck his face against Chuuya's shoulder. Once his partner is out, he'll focus on hearing him breathing, while feeling the way his chest moved. Eventually he manages to fall back asleep. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shortforever) wrote2020-06-06 12:12 pm
no subject
[He feels that heartbeat, and somehow it's reassuring. Maybe because it's a reminder that Dazai is still alive. Don't mind him if he leaves his hand there for a moment.]
I guess it's my fault you woke up, then.
no subject
[ After this. He'll keep holding his hand there. ]
So that's why you don't have any faith in people.
[ Akira was right in a way... it was related to Dazai. Just... not in the way either of them thought. ]
no subject
[They can sleep in tomorrow to make up for the lost sleep now. He's okay with that.
The rest of that, though. It's quite a serious topic to talk about in hushed whispers while Dazai's cabinmates sleep in the bunks around them.]
They let you die. Who would have faith in anyone else, after something like that?
no subject
But... Chuuya was different. He was much more social and grew attached to quite a few people there. So for now... he'll focus on the other part of that dream. ]
Did you want to save me that much?
[ He has the urge to turn around and to see Chuuya's expression right now. He also doesn't to break this hold.
So he'll leave the choice to Chuuya. ]
Do you want me to turn around?
no subject
[Sure, Dazai murdered, but it was a kitsune possessing him that made him do it. They could have gotten rid of the kitsune, they did it several times in the mansion before.]
...No. Let's stay like this for a little longer.
[He doesn't want to break the hold either, and if Dazai turns around he might be tempted to kiss him. Which feels like a bad idea, with three other men in the cabin. Someone would probably wake up. ]
If I really don't grow any taller than this, then I won't be able to do this for much longer. You'll be taller than me.
[No more big spoon for Chuuya when they get older.]
no subject
Would you have wanted to save me if it was my fault?
[ Also what is that reasoning. That's sappy. ]
I did cast a spell so you wouldn't grow anything bigger.
[ ... ]
You could still do this when I end up towering over you, Chuuya.
no subject
Also, his answer to that question comes immediately, and with no doubt in his voice:]
Yeah.
[He's burrowing a bit closer to Dazai now. Even with the blanket, he still feels chilly.]
Then you better get used to sleeping like this.
WHOOPS
He supposes he should share some honesty in return. ]
I can't say I would have had faith in them, but if the situation was reversed... I may have done something if they failed you.
[ He was mad at Reito's death. He would have felt something if Chuuya had died... ]
I'll consider it, if you let me turn around~
no subject
[There might be a touch of guilt to that too, but...well. Akira had made him promise. And he had to keep that promise.
But with that last bit, Chuuya will sigh and lift his arm up, temporarily freeing Dazai and lifting up the blanket to give him freedom of movement. Turn around, bandage boy, Chuuya's waiting on you.]
no subject
[ He saw Chuuya tell people he made a promise and the resulting fall out from that first kill.
Rolling over carefully to face Chuuya. Putting an arm across Chuuya's waist to let his fingers skim lightly against his back as he settles in closer. Sweeping his gaze across Chuuya's face to check for any signs that those were actually tears he felt. ]
no subject
Being able to face Dazai now, he's struck with a mix of emotions he can't quite describe. Like, dislike, frustration, worry, he doesn't even know. It's everything at once and he still doesn't have the words to explain it. Whatever's between them, it's a mess. And Chuuya is just accepting it for what it is: complicated.]
At least here we don't have to worry about monsters forcing someone to kill.
no subject
Searching his eyes for a moment or two before he closes his eyes. There will always be a shade of complicated between. The bickering, the resentment, the concern, the warmth... they all make up everything between them. He also trusts Chuuya and knows he could show him everything that's inside of him. Chuuya has seen his darkness and is still sticking around without trying to change him or mold him into something else.
He shifts in closer as he bumps their foreheads together. ]
It is better to know people are doing it of their own choice.
[ He can't fault them considering what's on the line. Even tough they still haven't found an actual killer. ]
Ne, Chuuya...
no subject
[Because if people are choosing to kill, then that's something they can track down and stamp out. If a murderhound like Chuuya can be curbed, then anyone can.
But he's brought out of those thoughts by that next bit.]
Mmm?
[What's on Dazai's mind?]
no subject
[ His words are going to get drowned as it's his turn to share.
As he climbs the stairs to the second floor, his brain keeps circling back to the same thoughts. If only there was an off switch to his brain. He was executed just hours ago, and the thought of the warmth of the blood on his hands, and the person holding him for his final moments was still lingering there.
It figures that when he finally actually wanted to reach out to someone, that he maybe finally could call someone a friend, that it would all get taken away from him.
He knows they will all be fine. Dazai didn’t win any favors with his personality and kept trying to push them away or turn things around on them. Sure, Ayabe will feel guilty for a while over killing someone, but he will move on. Even if he swore he heard Chuuya banging on the barrier, he knew it was just tied to the one executing him. Chuuya will be glad eventually, and move on.
It’s what everyone in his life does anyways. Any time he wanted something or had people enter his life, they would always leave him in the end. Nothing was really worth holding on to or keeping hope.
It still hurts though. Even without the physical wounds, he still feels an uncomfortable twist in his chest. It’s the same pain he felt the night before when he realized there was no way for him to be saved. No one had any miracles in their pockets this time.
He finally gets to their room. He’s not expecting anyone to be there, but there is something like hope flitting inside. The room should be the same in this version of the House, right? When he opens the door, he feels the hope wither away completely. The room was devoid of his mess or Ayabe’s attempt of cleaning up. There was no chores list or rules of the house. There weren't any clothes or candles. Under the bed was empty of the craft supplies and a couple of guns he left under there.
This wasn’t his room any more, and there was nothing left to tie him to it. He walks in to grab a pillow and blanket, already knowing there is no way he could sleep in there. It was empty just as he felt on the inside. There wasn’t a place for him anywhere, and he was stuck in this quiet and suffocating limbo.
He didn’t want to die. ]
no subject
Chuuya freezes in place as he absorbs that memory, his heart tightening up as he watches and feels everything Dazai experienced. How horrible. And Dazai kept this to himself, never telling him about it?
By the end of it, Chuuya has pulled Dazai against him, wrapping him up in a firm hug.]
It's all done with, you don't have to go back to that. This is your place now.
[Not 'here' as in 'in the cabin', but 'here' as in 'with me'. Dazai doesn't have to be lonely anymore.]
no subject
Ah.
He has no words at the moment. Just this overwhelming feeling that's threatening to take over. It's new, surprising, and very warm...
He thinks about how Chuuya and Reito came to mind when the golden droid was talking about the definition of home. Drawing in a slow breath before he just presses a kiss against Chuuya's mouth.
It's still hard to raise his hopes up after they have been hammered back so many times before but maybe... he can let a tiny seed of it actually grow?
]
no subject
Is it safe to hope like that? Probably not. But as Chuuya accepts that kiss and presses his lips back against Dazai's in return, he decides to throw caution to the wind.
This is fine. They'll be alright.]
no subject
Sliding his hand up Chuuya's back to the back of his neck to lightly dig into his hair. Ending the kiss shortly after. As much as he wouldn't mind a make out session, it is late and Chuuya is bound to remember they aren't alone. ]
What if I want to sleep like this instead?
[ Maybe they can get back to sap in a moment. ]
no subject
Tonight it's fine. And let's sleep in tomorrow too.
no subject
For now, he's going to keep playing with Chuuya's hair to help the other get sleepy. ]
You know, even if we decide to stop this between us, I still plan on keeping Chuuya around.
no subject
As if you could get rid of me anyway.
[The hair-touching does make him sleepy though, and he finds himself settling in and getting comfortable in the bed. Sleeping comes easier, even in cramped spaces like this, ever since he started sharing the space with someone else. It was true even in the house: just having Akira nearby made sleep easier.
It's something to ponder on later. For now, he's definitely falling back asleep.]
no subject
He'll tuck his face against Chuuya's shoulder. Once his partner is out, he'll focus on hearing him breathing, while feeling the way his chest moved. Eventually he manages to fall back asleep. ]