[They sure didn't. And Chuuya isn't going to hold back either.]
I know you don't have 'nothing' to do with it. But you're trying to take all the blame for yourself, when it's not all your fault. I was the one who broke our promise, I was the one who made the choice to kill someone. Sure, I did it for other people, but even if you count that as 'blame' then you only get like 1/20th of the blame. Not all of it.
Besides, I don't like seeing you hurting. So it's a selfish wish of mine too, to not see you upset.
[ 1/20th is a very specific number, and it also feels too small. He feels like it should at least be 1/4th, or maybe 1/5th, but he doesn't argue semantics. The point he wanted to make was to share the blame, and he knows that can't be done evenly. ]
This place being how it is, I'm going to be upset all the time no matter what. I don't want to be upset at you on top of all that.
[ Chuuya can help one but not the other, essentially. Can you imagine being happy in this place? He was not happy here starting day 1, and things just got worse. ]
[ Somehow, for some reason, he's been very confident in his not dying. Maybe because this place is so unbelievable, death feels far removed from him in some ways. In the break in, he kicked a monster in the head and snapped its neck with no problem; it was gravity that did him in, him falling and breaking his arm and remembering that, at the end of the day, he's still just a normal human being. Who could have fought and killed Dazai as a monster but couldn't lift a finger against his little sister.
The house didn't need to ask where his heart is; it knows and it knows how to manipulate it. ]
I couldn't get it out of my head either. If the DVDs were real... how far I would go... I'm more scared of killing than I am of dying. There's people here who are important to me, just like my family is. You're one of them.
[Holy shit Ayabe is a beast while fighting monsters
But those words, they're what Chuuya expected to hear. And they're why Chuuya had acted. He just knew Ayabe would do something if given the chance. That's why Chuuya aimed to take the motivation away from him.
Hearing that he is important to Ayabe, though. That makes his heart flutter in a way that's entirely new to him, so much so that he actually startles at it. But he's quick to cover it up, holding a hand to his chest to try and push down that feeling.]
Yeah. I've walked that kind of a path before. That's why I couldn't let you do it too. You don't belong in darkness like that, Reito. You should be protecting people, not killing them.
[ He sure would have... There were five whole people who came to Ayabe telling him that if he has to kill somebody, he should kill them, and that really messed up his resolve, because he wouldn't want to kill friends. He would have done what Chuuya did and pick from people he doesn't know, and kept it impersonal.
Which is kind of impossible, after so long in this place, worrying over every person in some capacity at some point. Even Chuuya started off as an asshole but ended up as a friend. ]
I know. I don't want you to be in the darkness either- protecting people by killing. I'll be alright now, so... can you promise me again?
[There's a lot to be said about light and darkness and Chuuya's place in the world. Because he never really got that chance to live in the light, and he doesn't feel like he deserves it at this point. But all of that is left unsaid, because the last bit of Ayabe's words is downright baffling to him.]
What, is this a hypothetical here? I know I already broke your trust, it's okay to not trust me.
[It's not that he doesn't want to be trusted. It's that he doesn't believe he's deserving of trust anymore, not after what he did.]
Ken already decked me in the face for this, and I don't need to be told off by an elementary schooler again.
[ Ken and him had promised something different, but the point still stands. Ayabe got yelled at by a little kid /: who was right ]
I'm going to trust you because we're friends. And we're friends because I want to be. If you break my trust again, I'll kick your ass— I should probably kick your ass for this time too.
[ Instead, he was the one who got his in the head... how did this happen ]
[He closes his eyes, but it's less 'gritting his teeth' and more grinning like a fool, because he appreciates Ayabe and how he takes this stuff seriously.]
[ ...There's nothing for a few seconds, and then Chuuya feels a pinch on both cheeks, his left side harder than the right because Ayabe's left hand doesn't work very well, and he's tugging and squishing those cheeks like you would do to bully a five year old kid.
He's trying! to take!! this seriously!!! so why is Chuuya smiling!!!!! ]
It's punishment. A flick to the forehead doesn't last as long.
[ Which was his other option, which he still considers even as he lets Chuuya take his left hand since that one hurts too much to struggle with, but his right keeps pinching. Suffer for your crimes. ]
[It does sting, but he's still smiling regardless. Maybe he's just happy that Ayabe hasn't given up on him entirely, or maybe he's just happy that he's still alive. Both are very likely here.]
[ It sounds nice. Sometimes I think about how Ayabe has a really girly name that literally translates to beautiful person and I close my eyes. This is 98% of the reason why he is Ayabe forever to me. ]
No, it doesn't bother me. Most people don't call me by that name, so I'm not used to it. But I could get used to it.
[ Other people calling him Reito besides his parents and Hanabusa... weird... ]
That was him being mean? That's why I kept wondering if you two were friends.
[ But then there's Dazai still being Dazai... because he's an asshole... so he was just stuck with that forever. Sort of like Ayabe always using his last name so nobody ever calls him by his first. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 02:42 am (UTC)I know you don't have 'nothing' to do with it. But you're trying to take all the blame for yourself, when it's not all your fault. I was the one who broke our promise, I was the one who made the choice to kill someone. Sure, I did it for other people, but even if you count that as 'blame' then you only get like 1/20th of the blame. Not all of it.
Besides, I don't like seeing you hurting. So it's a selfish wish of mine too, to not see you upset.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 02:51 am (UTC)This place being how it is, I'm going to be upset all the time no matter what. I don't want to be upset at you on top of all that.
[ Chuuya can help one but not the other, essentially. Can you imagine being happy in this place? He was not happy here starting day 1, and things just got worse. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 02:59 am (UTC)Hm. He doesn't like the feeling he gets at hearing those words.]
...yeah, I figured.
[He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.]
You nearly died chasing an illusion of your little sister. I didn't want to see you die for real, if those DVDs ended up being real.
It's still not your fault, but...that's why. Even after we promised, I kept having nightmares about you dying or being executed.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 03:14 am (UTC)[ Somehow, for some reason, he's been very confident in his not dying. Maybe because this place is so unbelievable, death feels far removed from him in some ways. In the break in, he kicked a monster in the head and snapped its neck with no problem; it was gravity that did him in, him falling and breaking his arm and remembering that, at the end of the day, he's still just a normal human being. Who could have fought and killed Dazai as a monster but couldn't lift a finger against his little sister.
The house didn't need to ask where his heart is; it knows and it knows how to manipulate it. ]
I couldn't get it out of my head either. If the DVDs were real... how far I would go... I'm more scared of killing than I am of dying. There's people here who are important to me, just like my family is. You're one of them.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 03:24 am (UTC)But those words, they're what Chuuya expected to hear. And they're why Chuuya had acted. He just knew Ayabe would do something if given the chance. That's why Chuuya aimed to take the motivation away from him.
Hearing that he is important to Ayabe, though. That makes his heart flutter in a way that's entirely new to him, so much so that he actually startles at it. But he's quick to cover it up, holding a hand to his chest to try and push down that feeling.]
Yeah. I've walked that kind of a path before. That's why I couldn't let you do it too. You don't belong in darkness like that, Reito. You should be protecting people, not killing them.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 03:38 am (UTC)Which is kind of impossible, after so long in this place, worrying over every person in some capacity at some point. Even Chuuya started off as an asshole but ended up as a friend. ]
I know. I don't want you to be in the darkness either- protecting people by killing. I'll be alright now, so... can you promise me again?
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 03:50 am (UTC)What, is this a hypothetical here? I know I already broke your trust, it's okay to not trust me.
[It's not that he doesn't want to be trusted. It's that he doesn't believe he's deserving of trust anymore, not after what he did.]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 03:59 am (UTC)[ Ken and him had promised something different, but the point still stands. Ayabe got yelled at by a little kid /: who was right ]
I'm going to trust you because we're friends. And we're friends because I want to be. If you break my trust again, I'll kick your ass— I should probably kick your ass for this time too.
[ Instead, he was the one who got his in the head... how did this happen ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 04:16 am (UTC)But that last bit? It actually gets a bark of a laugh out of Chuuya.]
Yeah, I'd deserve it. I did headbutt you, so I'll give you a free hit in return.
[Headbutts are probably not a good idea tho, not with Ayabe already injured.]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 04:20 am (UTC)Alright. Close your eyes and grit your teeth.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 04:23 am (UTC)[He closes his eyes, but it's less 'gritting his teeth' and more grinning like a fool, because he appreciates Ayabe and how he takes this stuff seriously.]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 04:27 am (UTC)He's trying! to take!! this seriously!!! so why is Chuuya smiling!!!!! ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 04:36 am (UTC)Hahahah- ow! What are you even doing?
[he's reaching up to grab for Ayabe's hands now, to stop the pinching.]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 04:41 am (UTC)[ Which was his other option, which he still considers even as he lets Chuuya take his left hand since that one hurts too much to struggle with, but his right keeps pinching. Suffer for your crimes. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 04:50 am (UTC)[It does sting, but he's still smiling regardless. Maybe he's just happy that Ayabe hasn't given up on him entirely, or maybe he's just happy that he's still alive. Both are very likely here.]
You're gonna leave a mark if you keep that up!
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 04:56 am (UTC)[ A fool who laughs while he takes his punishment. But it's better than refusing it, so he lets go of Chuuya's cheek and gives it a pat or two. ]
You'll be fine. Am I "Reito" now?
[ Dazai had also jus gone ahead and called him that... Luna was the only person to ask, and Ayabe felt too awkward to say no. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 05:01 am (UTC)But oh. That question. Hm.
The smile slowly drops off of his face, and he ends up glancing away as he rubs at his cheek.]
I mean, you don't have to be if it bugs you. It just sounds nice.
[He had said it at that moment to get Ayabe's attention, but now he's reluctant to go back to 'Ayabe'.]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 05:09 am (UTC)No, it doesn't bother me. Most people don't call me by that name, so I'm not used to it. But I could get used to it.
[ Other people calling him Reito besides his parents and Hanabusa... weird... ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 05:15 am (UTC)Then I'll keep calling you Reito. ...and I'd say you can call me Chuuya too, but you already do that.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 05:24 am (UTC)Oh... Yeah, Dazai always called you that, so I picked it up from him.
[ Nakahara is too long for me to type so Chuuya is just Chuuya ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 05:38 am (UTC)[Mostly because he knows Ayabe isn't being mean when he says it.]
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Date: 2020-03-22 05:42 am (UTC)[ But then there's Dazai still being Dazai... because he's an asshole... so he was just stuck with that forever. Sort of like Ayabe always using his last name so nobody ever calls him by his first. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 05:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 05:48 am (UTC)[ Are they....... also not friends................ ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-22 05:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
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