I've already had to... so you don't have to do this for me.
[ He already had to kill somebody, and that memory is still raw, making his gut twist and feel like he wants to throw up. With blood on his hands, he's no different from anybody else out there, the sword, the gun, people who had killed before. He's up with them now too. ]
[ Between the two of them, Ayabe would rather it be himself too. He hates it- the thought of killing, the same feeling of being forced to at gunpoint but instead of his own life as hostage it's his sister's. But because it's such a horrible act, he can't let Chuuya do it, not for him, not when there's still a part of him that clings to being that big brother that can shoulder anything to keep his family safe, the thought that if he takes the burden on, Chuuya won't have to.
The fact that Chuuya is willing, the fact that he's killed somebody before, that just makes the feeling worse. ]
...I'm trying to bring you out of the mafia life, Chuuya. I don't want you to go back to being the same. I don't want you to kill anyone... not unless your life depended on it.
And you think I'll accept that at the expense of you falling into that darkness instead? Or how about the fact that you nearly died fighting Dazai, and I don't want you to get yourself killed by trying to kill someone else? And that even if you succeeded, they still might vote you out at the trial?
[He doesn't mean to yell, he's been trying to be better about his temper, but fuck it all if his chest isn't hurting now. He's even given up on not getting physical and is grabbing for the front of Ayabe's shirt.]
You damn idiot, I'm trying to protect you! Did you even stop to think about that, huh?!
[ Huh? Ayabe's eyes grow wide when Chuuya grabs his shirt and starts yelling, surprised and very obviously never having stopped and thought about this being how Chuuya means to protect him.
He never thought he would die fighting- he never thought he would lose in the first place. In the trial, they would vote for the monster, and so he didn't think much past that either. He never thought about anybody trying to protect him, because that's his job, has always been his job, and the other way around just doesn't...
He lifts his hand to grab Chuuya's wrist; not to pull away off his shirt or anything, but just to hold. Maybe to hold him there. ]
I don't need to be protected. I'm...
[ Just an ordinary teenage boy, tbh. But in his eyes, so is Chuuya. ]
And you think I do? I'm the god of chaos, and you think you need to be the one protecting me?
[Okay, not actually a god. Arahabaki is more like the physical representation of the concept of chaos, which comes with a lot of chaotic-themed powers. And Chuuya is technically just a vessel for that power, not the power itself. But cramming all of that into his rant won't work, so he's simplifying here.]
I like you, you big, dumb, goddamn idiot! And in case you haven't been paying attention these last few weeks, I'm really protective of people I care about!
['Protecting what's his' and all.
Also he totally didn't mean to say the 'I like you' part there, but whoops. Tense situations leaving feelings out in the open like that.]
[ Can the god of chaos do anything more than the avatar of greed Ayabe had humored before? He's stunned silent for a moment, taking "like" at face value to mean Chuuya doesn't dislike him. Which is good? They're supposed to be friends, or something.
Friendship is a novel concept, but he's reminded of other people saying these exact things to him, and every time he struggles to accept care from others that he doles out to who he can reach. He promised them to be open, to let care be both ways, to stop running.
He keeps quiet for a moment, feeling his heart thump in his throat. ]
I like you too. That's why I- ...why I don't want you to do this, and why you don't want me to. I get it, Chuuya.
[That is a fair point that someone should bring up to Chuuya eventually, because he's not as indestructible as he likes to think he is.
Those words there, though. They stop Chuuya's ranting right in his tracks. The confession had been accidental because he had always assumed the feelings were one-sided and were pointless to think about, since they would never be returned. Why worry about something that would never happen? Or something like that. But that admission, even if unintended, plus the words that followed, they startled Chuuya a bit.]
Exactly: it's not fair to say "I'm going to do this" and then get angry when someone else says they're gonna do the same thing. It doesn't work that way. Either we both do it, or neither of us does.
[He might not offer any of those things, but Chuuya is going to make an offer: he holds up his own hand, so that Ayabe can take it and they can hold hands like that.]
[ asdflkjh he would have a better response for Chuuya if he asks again at a later time when Ayabe isn't so distressed about his sister, this is literally just a really bad time ]
"Whatever"... Don't worry about me. I'm not going to do anything stupid. We promised, didn't we?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-03-17 09:05 pm (UTC)I've already had to... so you don't have to do this for me.
[ He already had to kill somebody, and that memory is still raw, making his gut twist and feel like he wants to throw up. With blood on his hands, he's no different from anybody else out there, the sword, the gun, people who had killed before. He's up with them now too. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-17 09:10 pm (UTC)Don't you dare try to act like they're the same. Being forced to kill someone and choosing to kill someone are two very different thing.
And I know I don't have to. I want to.
[...wait. Clarifying.]
If it comes down to a choice between you killing someone and me killing someone, I would rather it be me than you.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-17 09:25 pm (UTC)The fact that Chuuya is willing, the fact that he's killed somebody before, that just makes the feeling worse. ]
...I'm trying to bring you out of the mafia life, Chuuya. I don't want you to go back to being the same. I don't want you to kill anyone... not unless your life depended on it.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-17 09:50 pm (UTC)[He doesn't mean to yell, he's been trying to be better about his temper, but fuck it all if his chest isn't hurting now. He's even given up on not getting physical and is grabbing for the front of Ayabe's shirt.]
You damn idiot, I'm trying to protect you! Did you even stop to think about that, huh?!
no subject
Date: 2020-03-17 10:18 pm (UTC)[ Huh? Ayabe's eyes grow wide when Chuuya grabs his shirt and starts yelling, surprised and very obviously never having stopped and thought about this being how Chuuya means to protect him.
He never thought he would die fighting- he never thought he would lose in the first place. In the trial, they would vote for the monster, and so he didn't think much past that either. He never thought about anybody trying to protect him, because that's his job, has always been his job, and the other way around just doesn't...
He lifts his hand to grab Chuuya's wrist; not to pull away off his shirt or anything, but just to hold. Maybe to hold him there. ]
I don't need to be protected. I'm...
[ Just an ordinary teenage boy, tbh. But in his eyes, so is Chuuya. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-17 10:28 pm (UTC)[Okay, not actually a god. Arahabaki is more like the physical representation of the concept of chaos, which comes with a lot of chaotic-themed powers. And Chuuya is technically just a vessel for that power, not the power itself. But cramming all of that into his rant won't work, so he's simplifying here.]
I like you, you big, dumb, goddamn idiot! And in case you haven't been paying attention these last few weeks, I'm really protective of people I care about!
['Protecting what's his' and all.
Also he totally didn't mean to say the 'I like you' part there, but whoops. Tense situations leaving feelings out in the open like that.]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-18 02:06 am (UTC)Friendship is a novel concept, but he's reminded of other people saying these exact things to him, and every time he struggles to accept care from others that he doles out to who he can reach. He promised them to be open, to let care be both ways, to stop running.
He keeps quiet for a moment, feeling his heart thump in his throat. ]
I like you too. That's why I- ...why I don't want you to do this, and why you don't want me to. I get it, Chuuya.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-18 02:38 am (UTC)Those words there, though. They stop Chuuya's ranting right in his tracks. The confession had been accidental because he had always assumed the feelings were one-sided and were pointless to think about, since they would never be returned. Why worry about something that would never happen? Or something like that. But that admission, even if unintended, plus the words that followed, they startled Chuuya a bit.]
Exactly: it's not fair to say "I'm going to do this" and then get angry when someone else says they're gonna do the same thing. It doesn't work that way. Either we both do it, or neither of us does.
But...really? You like me too? As in, Like like?
[Help him, he sounds like the teenager he is.]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-18 02:55 am (UTC)Yeah. I like you.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-18 03:14 am (UTC)[Neither of them are emotionally competent. This is the worst.]
Okay. I, er. Guess we'll have to keep each other from doing anything stupid?
[None of this solves the problem of what to do about Ayabe's sister though.]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-18 03:27 am (UTC)Ayabe sighs and finally eases Chuuya's hand off his shirt, because both their arms are going to get tired hanging like this. ]
Yeah. We'll keep each other safe, so... I promise I won't kill anybody. Promise me you won't either.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-18 03:46 am (UTC)Yeah, sure. If you won't kill, then I won't.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-18 04:06 am (UTC)[ ...He doesn't offer a handshake or pinky promise or blood oath or anything. Apparently, all he needs is Chuuya's word. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-18 04:41 am (UTC)It's a promise, then.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-18 05:00 am (UTC)high fives Chuuya's hand? This is sort of like a promise thing?? It doesn't exactly translate to handholding for him ]
1/2
Date: 2020-03-19 01:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-03-19 01:30 pm (UTC)Aaaah, whatever. Just remember to talk to someone if you're feeling like you're gonna do something stupid. Keeping secrets isn't good here.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-19 03:38 pm (UTC)"Whatever"... Don't worry about me. I'm not going to do anything stupid. We promised, didn't we?
[ Killing = stupid
everything else is fair game ]
no subject
Date: 2020-03-19 03:52 pm (UTC)I'm still gonna worry, but I'll try to trust you.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-19 03:58 pm (UTC)Try is all I can ask for. [ since he spent all week being concerningly murderous, he knows that sort of trust is shaken. ]
Thanks, Chuuya.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-19 04:53 pm (UTC)No problem, Ayabe.
[...he kind of wants to use 'Reito'...but that can happen another day.]